In modern relationships balancing the tame and erotic sides of love is a constant struggle. Keeping the fire burning for sex and play is important for maintaining healthy connection within a relationship.

But what happens when the honeymoon ends? It is natural for desire to wane in long term couples.

1. Look for kinky people.

Obviously, the best way to find kink is to go out and meet people. However, it’s not always possible to do so (or desirable). Some people may be in a committed relationship or living in a remote area that doesn’t have a kink community.

One great option is to attend a munch or play party. These are social events where people engage in public sexual activity, usually in a kinky setting. You can find them by checking the event listings on FetLife, or by visiting your local sex toy shop and asking people who work there. The more you attend, the more likely it is that someone will invite you to their personal sexy space.

Another option is to use a dating website or app specifically designed for kinky people. There are a lot of these out there, and most of them allow you to search for people by their kink preferences. Just be sure to use common sense and exercise caution when meeting anyone online; it’s still not a good idea to engage in any sex without first having a conversation about consent and safety.

2. Get out and meet people.

Many vanilla dating experts say that the best way to meet people is to get out and socialize. This is because interacting with others will make you more interesting. It’s not as fast and easy as the tactics taught by pick-up artists, but it will result in more long-term connections.

Getting out and meeting people can be exciting, especially when you want to explore your kinky side. Creating new experiences can stimulate your senses and open up your emotional range, which will lead to more eroticism. You can also try role playing to make sex more exciting. Dressing up, playing with a vibrator or reading an erotic book together can help to build excitement for intimacy.

Sometimes a partner will have less desire than you might like, and this is okay. However, it’s important to talk about your sexual needs and desires. If you want to make sex more exciting, try scheduling “erotic time” in your schedule. This could be anything from reading a book on erotic literature to having a fantasy box that you and your partner can indulge in.

3. Try kink.

Getting in touch with your kinky side is an essential part of finding an erotic partner. Many kinks are easy to do without any extra equipment or sex toys, and can be a great way to bond with a new playmate.

If you’re unsure where to start, ask your partner what their kinks are! They’ll likely be more than happy to give you some tips and help you find something that feels right for you. It’s also a good idea to set up a safe word during kink play, so you have an exit if necessary.

Many kinks are best enjoyed in a group, so consider joining a kink community to meet people and make friends. You can even start a kink-themed Facebook group or blog to share your experiences and get feedback from other kinksters! Kink is all about mutual pleasure, so always make sure your partner is enjoying themselves too. A good way to test this is by asking them to add a blindfold into the mix, or try a new position like kneeling, straddles, or sitting down.

4. Watch porn.

Watching pornography is a great way to get yourself in the mood for sex. Try to find sexy videos that aren’t offensive, and don’t be afraid to play some sensual music in the background. It’s also a good idea to try some masturbation while you’re watching. Using different techniques can help you reach an orgasm while you’re watching, and it can even make the video more exciting for your partner.

If you’re unsure what type of pornography turns you on, consider making a list of fantasies and kinks that are important to you. This will help you narrow down the types of adult content you’re interested in, so it’s easier to choose videos. If possible, use a paid subscription service instead of free porn sites; they’re more likely to be produced ethically (which means the performers are getting more money).

Another option is Dipsea, a women-founded app that serves “sexy audio stories that set the mood and spark your imagination.” Their content ranges from three-minute clips to full hour-long stories that you can enjoy alone or with a partner.

5. Talk about kink.

Talking openly about kink is a great way to foster trust and create pathways for communication outside the bedroom. But it can be difficult to know how and when to bring up the topic with a new partner.

Certified sex educator and host of the podcast Sex and Psychology, Gigi Engle suggests discussing kink early in a relationship, while you’re both still evaluating each other. She recommends using apps like PlsPlsMe or filling out a “Yes/No/Maybe” survey, or creating your own handwritten list, to compare notes and see what turns you both on.

Another good approach, according to Ren, is introducing the idea of vicarious arousal. This kink involves being aroused by the sexual experiences of others, e.g., by listening to a musician discuss their kinky past on a podcast or reading about a writer’s erotic experience in an autobiography. She believes this is a form of play that has become fairly mainstream without many of us knowing it—and it can be sexy. Just be sure to make clear that this is not a substitute for actual physical contact.